If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
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Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Me in tagged photos
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.