My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
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I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes