I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
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ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
My neck my back my allergy attack
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Spring cleaning checklist…
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.