Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
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do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.