I need to get some bricks…
You Might Also Like
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.