What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
You Might Also Like
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Follow me for more life hacks.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Happy birthday to all the women
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.