I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
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I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?