When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
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Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.