I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
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Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Grow up never but we old may grow we