[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
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Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
i wish all
whales
a very
big
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is