i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
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one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot