“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
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GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
one last job
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks