Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
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Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????