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[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.