I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
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I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I’m an avid indoorsman.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird