6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
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“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway