If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
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“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
When you’re here for the treats.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’