Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
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Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*