Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
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no one likes gloating
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
lol
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton