Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
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god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Hero horse inspires millions
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
first you must answer his riddles
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before