I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
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It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing