Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
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My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.