When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
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[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
a fate I wish upon no one
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
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Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side