To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
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Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
secret recipe
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….