Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
You Might Also Like
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Important
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk