I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
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If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking