I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
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*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I can’t stop watching this.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Just a reminder, folks:
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!