Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
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It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
The smoothest fall of all time
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me