The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
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My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
My five year plan is a meteorite
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
181.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!