Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
You Might Also Like
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
that de-escalated quickly
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Did I do this right
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
A man of commitment.