Stop it! š
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me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
āIāll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.ā ā Texas Republicans
āDeal.ā ā Mother Nature
Boss: And why canāt you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* Iām feeling a little eel.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
nurse: height
me: 6ā4ā
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucciās dark twin and we donāt even talk about it.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Iām tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Friend: Hey man I havenāt seen you since you had a baby. Howās parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: Thatās right. Parents are kid farmers.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now itās all sticky
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and itās āabsolutely drainingā. Heās been at it for 32 minutes.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now Iām trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I donāt want to share*
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Complaining āI have too many books on my TBRā
ā¢ negative
ā¢ overdone
ā¢ false cause you can never have too many booksSaying āI have enough books to carry me through the afterlifeā
ā¢ impressive
ā¢ dramatic goth vibes
ā¢ makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* Iām going to do it in my head. Iāll let you know when Iām done
I named all my Nest cameras āthe bedroomā… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification āNest noticed action in the bedroom ā
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.