Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
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A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.