“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
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Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
This is enough internet for the day.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen