“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
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Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork