8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
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Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
any last words?
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
How about daylight saves us for once
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”