Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
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Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.