Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
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u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I’d love this…lol
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”