God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
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Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
A small tragedy.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?