I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
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“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.