If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
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Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…