He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I found your tweet-up…
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!