Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
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My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate