From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
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Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.