facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
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We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.