Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
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And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
i wish we could shoplift online
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her