Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
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GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My work here is don’t.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet