LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
You Might Also Like
what are they serving at kfc then???
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong