shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
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What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.