THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
You Might Also Like
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Received some very disappointing news today
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”