I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
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People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.